The golf course was created for your enjoyment, and for the enjoyment of others, but slow play is not permitted. If you insist on playing slow, do not afflict others with your rate of play. Suffer that the quicker players pass you by to avoid the wailing and gnashing of teeth of those players. You should not play an extra ball when others are waiting unless it is expedient. Neither should you make idle conversation with your party. Neither should you fail to be prepared to hit when the turn is yours. If the Marshall shall come and tell you to speed up play, you must speed up, or you shall not be permitted to play.
You must refrain from loud speaking, laughter or screaming on the golf course. You shall not distract any player while that player is hitting their shot. Do not celebrate a good shot by shouting, as this shouting could distract a player on another hole. You shall not rummage through your belongings or take clubs out of your bag while another player is getting ready to hit. Remain silent during this time.
When you drive the cart, do so in a manner that is pleasing to the persons the cart belongs to. Do not run into another cart. Do not tip over the cart. Drive at a speed that is safe for the passengers of the cart, and no quicker. Do not drive the cart into a water hazard, nor into a sand trap, nor into swamp lands. It is not pleasing to the golf course management for you to drive the cart carelessly, and you may be made to pay for your wrong doing.
If you pay to play 9 holes of golf, you must play no more than 9 holes. You are permitted to play less than 9 holes, but nothing exceeding 9. I say unto you, if you shall play more than 9 holes without paying, you shall fall into condemnation. All holes must be played in order thereof, unless you have received other instructions.
In the event that you leave a divot, you must repair the divot, lest another player's ball falls into the divot. Judge between the sand & seed mixture or the original grass to repair the divot. Likewise, see that you repair ball marks on the greens of the golf course. Leaving these ball marks can afflict another player when they are putting on the green. Therefore, it is expedient that you make the repair.
Remember, O remember, the golf course is for everyone. It is lawful for anyone to play. Therefore it is incumbent on those who play the course to make sure they leave it as they found it. Do nothing to the course that would affect the play thereof. Nor do anything on the course that does not follow the course etiquette. Nor should you make your presence known to any other player on the course. It will be pleasing to you and to others.
45 minutes
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Mark Twain said “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” Your essay shows exactly why that is. There are only so many restrictions and limitations and expectations you can put on fun before it crumbles under the burden and falls down and dies. All you are left with are empty contrivances and no fun at all. You either used irony really well here, or I miss read your essay and you really like golf, but I don’t think so. Maybe you do but you can see the faults in the game. Either way I enjoyed the juxtaposition of fun and enjoyment with all the rules and regulations and formal interactions with other players and the marshal. It felt like you put me in a straight jacket and then said “A lot of fun, huh? Man I love this game.”
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite parts was the description of what you shouldn’t do with the golf carts. That is exactly what I want to do with the golf carts. You’re only made to pay for your wrong doing if you get caught!
A criticism: Writing in the style of the lamentation was really hard. I can tell that you had a great thing going and then you tried to put it into the “lamenting style” that we read for this prompt. That made it sound forced and I lost your voice in the “thee and thou and suffer the faster players.” If you could have found a way to use your own style and still lament it would have been great. Besides that a very well done essay. Thanks for the laughs.