Only Child

She walks behind me. Following in my shadow. Yearning to learn, she follows my footsteps. From my example she learns what not to do and what she needs to do.  I take inches and in my shadow she is able to leap feet. I envy her spirit, her ambition, her way with words, how she has been able to do right everything I have done wrong. In the same breath, I love her, she is everything I am and more. She is my best friend and worst enemy. It is easy to fight her and even easier to forgive her. She and I are the closest any two people can be but I have never met her. I have never had a sister.

I have always wanted a sibling. Someone I can confide in. Someone who always has my back no matter what happens. Over the years I have tried to fill that gap with friendships but they never last. They fail over drama, lies, and pain. No, there is nothing that can replace that bond that I see with in a family. Sure, I have a family. There is me my mom and my dad. The three of us, but is that really enough? Being the only child has given me so much. College, moving out, anything I have ever needed I have gotten. I am not spoiled and yet I am. I have never seen debt, or come close. There are disadvantages and advantages to being the only one.

I can hear a pin drop in this house. The sounds echo and reverberate off the walls and nothing can be done in this house without someone hearing your every step. That is the quiet of a three person family. I have grown accustomed to the silence. It is weird to be around noisy families or big groups of people. At parties you will find me with a small group of people discussing things instead of being in the middle of the crowd. During other peoples family things, the few boyfriends families I have gone to, I find myself in a small corner away from everyone. People think its because I’m shy but really I just like the sound of nothing. It gives me peace. Having quiet scares some people, it makes them nervous. Me, I love it. 

“Under pressuring pushing down on me pressing down on, Under pressure.” Being the only one around things fall to you. Things that normally would be given to other siblings or would be more spread out among siblings. When I screw up, its all on me. I’m the only one they have so I can’t mess up. For the most part, this hasn’t been a problem for me. I love school and have enjoyed getting good grades. I have been a good kid. I haven’t screwed up to bad yet. Sometimes though, I feel like the pressure is to much. Like the walls are closing in and there is no way to jump out. I think that my perfectionism comes from that. The feeling that if I fail I am failing much more then myself. I know that every teen feels pressure. It is something that comes with being that age but being an only child hasn’t made this part of my life any easier. 

Girls need people they can confide in and tell things to. Some girls tell their friends but a large majority tell their sisters. I haven’t ever had friends I could trust telling my secrets. Not until I started hanging out with boys, and even then I couldn’t always trust them. I have only had my mom to tell things. This has its ups and downs. She is a good sounding board sometimes but she always gets to caught up in my life. It my life. I am supposed to decide what to do with my friends without her being involved all the time. Sometimes it hurts more than helps when she hears my problems. So, I keep them inside of me. I don’t choose to share many of my secrets with anyone so when I do, I must trust that person deeply.

I would never take back my memories but I wish I had more people to share them with. I have to forgive my parents for giving me everything I need except a sibling. They weren’t able to give me that.