After reading my paper to my roommate I discovered 2 things. Mainly, my grammar and punctuation are fairly defunct and that my brain and fingers are out of sync. Those who have read my personal essay may have noticed there's nothing personal about it. I'll include something in the next draft. Another problems is the flow. The two body paragraphs don't really mesh well and there is no transition. The ideas in the two aren't bad or don't work together but with the word limit I'll have to pick one of the two paragraphs and focus on its ideas. I'm thinking the second one because its content is more closely related to the anecdote I'll add in. The idea will be essentially the same but the approach will be entirely different.
Revealing the paper's failure aside, the exercise was very helpful in identifying which parts of the essay should remain after the purge. It also helped sort out the wordy section in the middle. Having the additional input from outside sources also helps pick out the lackluster sections and offered some good ideas and alternate phrasings of the convoluted passages. It's going to take a major rewrite to save this paper.
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